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Nancy

  • I Am The Adult, You Are The Child

    Have you ever lost your cool than about midway through the madness regained your senses?

    Recently, this happened to me with my nephew. Up until then, I was really proud of the way I had been handling tough or frustrating situations. I had been learning new ways to talk to my children and how to appropriately handle conflicts without becoming overwhelmed or yelling at them.

    Let me give you the background information first.

    Every morning I tell the children what I am planning on making for supper that evening. I do this so that while I am cooking, I don’t have to hear complaints and can focus on what I need to do. Well, this particular day we were having quesadillas, yellow rice, and a salad.  I had informed the children their choices for fillings were ground beef and cheese or chicken and cheese. Each child chose what they wanted, and we wrote it down on a notepad for later.

    So after a long day at work and school followed immediately by taekwondo we were finally home. I get everything cooked and have the boys set the table and wash up for supper. I serve them, and we sit down.

    In my house, we have a few mealtime rules.

    1. You don’t have to eat what is in front of you, but you must sit with the family for at least 20 minutes.
    2. If you ask for more, take only what you can it.
    3. If I cook something you ask me to (or the way you ask me to), you have to eat at least three bites of it. It was made special for you; I am fully expecting you to eat it.
    4. If you do not eat most of your meal, you will not get a snack/dessert later

    So, here we all are sitting at the table eating.

    My nephew takes one bite of his chicken and cheese quesadilla, throws it on his plate and screams “That is DISGUSTING!! There is too much cheese in here!” I looked at him and said you told me you wanted a lot of chicken and a lot of cheese, that is how I made it.” He pushed his plate and began telling me I didn’t know how to cook, the food was awful, and so on. I explained that he asked me to make it that way, so he had to eat at least three bites.  He proceeds to scream in my face about how he hates it at my house, everyone and everything here is stupid and so on.

    That’s when I lost my cool.

    Right there at the table, I just began yelling right back at him. Now the two of us are going back and forth with each other. Meanwhile, my boys are just sitting there watching the exchange between the two of us. I can only imagine that they were horrified by both of our behavior at that moment. After a few minutes of this screaming match we were having I finally said to him:

    I am the ADULT. You are the Child.

    And that is when everything all of a sudden became clear again. I am the adult; he is the child. I need to behave like an adult, not like the child. Here I am, having a screaming match with a child, instead of following through with the consequences for misbehaving. I was so worried about keeping control that I actually lost control of the situation the second I let his actions get the best of me. Now that I had regained my senses I sent the other two boys to their bedroom to play, and I attempted to send E to the living room to serve his time out.

    I then went to calm myself and regain my own strength and composure.

    I went to the laundry room and literally talked it out with myself. I must have said “I am the adult, he is the child.” a hundred times. Each time I reminded myself of a different reason for his behavior. He had just moved here from another state, he left a lot of his belongings behind, all of his friends and people he knew and cared about where there, he hardly knew me at all except for phone calls and pictures. Once I was completely calm, I brought laundry out to the living room to fold and so that he and I could talk about our behavior.

    However, he was not ready to talk to me yet.

    So I sat there in silence in the living room while he muttered things under his breath and worked through his emotions. I folded the laundry, looking up from time to time to see if he was ready to talk to me. It took some time, but he finally was able to calm down. I watched as his body relaxed, even his face seemed to relax. He finally looked calm and ready to talk, so I asked him if he, in fact, was prepared to talk to me about what happened at the table. He said he was.

     I apologized.

    I apologized for my role in the argument and for not keeping cool. I explained that his behavior was unacceptable and that it was not going to be tolerated as well. I promised to work on controlling my temper when he screams at me, but he had to promise to work on handling his feeling better. I told him it was ok to feel angry, but it was not ok to lash out or throw tantrums. I then gave him so ideas on how to manage his emotions by listening to music or journaling how he is feeling. I then reminded him that his actions warranted a two-day suspension from his tablet and moved on to the other two boys who were still in their bedroom playing.

    I apologized again.

    This time to my two boys. I apologized to them for having to witness both of our behavior, especially mine because I am Mom and I should know how to act better than that. I also apologized for not setting a good example for them about how to handle conflicts. We then discussed better ways to deal with conflict. Once we were finished, I had them come out of their room.

    Then, we moved on.

    It’s ok to be angry or frustrated, but it’s not ok to stay that way. Life moves on and so must we. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

    By

  • Chicken Pot Pie

    Total cook time: 1 hour 10 minutes

    Serves: 4-6 people

    Ingredients:

    Crust

    1 box refrigerated pie crusts, softened (follow the directions on the box)

    Filling

    1/3cup butter
    1/3 cup all-purpose flour
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon pepper
    1 3/4 cups chicken broth
    1/2 cup milk
    2 1/2 cups shredded cooked chicken
    1 cup peas and carrots mixture (canned or thawed if using frozen)
    1 cup potatoes peeled and cubed
    1 Tablespoon powdered chicken broth base (I use Orrington Farms Broth Base & Seasoning)

    Directions:

    1. Pre-heat oven to 425°F.
    2. Make pie crust according to the directions on the box and set aside.
    3. Fill 2-quart saucepan with water once water is starting to boil stir in chicken broth base. Take off of heat.
    4. Wash, peel and cut potatoes. Place them in the pan of chicken broth and boil until soft. Strain and set aside. (I leave mine in the colander, wash and reuse the 2-quart saucepan to make the rest of the filling.)
    5. In a 2-quart saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Stir in flour, salt, and pepper until well blended. Gradually stir in broth and milk, cooking and stirring until bubbly and thickened.
    6. Stir in chicken, potatoes and peas and carrots mixture. Remove from heat. Spoon chicken mixture into crust-lined pan. Top with second crust; seal edge and flute. Cut slits in several places in top crust.
    7. Bake 30 to 40 minutes or until crust is golden brown. During last 15 to 20 minutes of baking, cover crust edge with strips of foil to prevent excessive browning. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.
    By

  • Aiming For Change…. Not Perfection

    I was at a point in my life where I was utterly overwhelmed.  I struggled to complete any task and honestly on most days I just really didn’t want to get out of bed. The house was a mess no matter how much cleaning I did; the kids were acting out and completely ignoring me, I was stopping for fast food more often that I’d like to admit or serving them quick, easy meals because I just didn’t want to do anything! I was in this constant state of beating myself up over not being able to keep a clean house, not feeding my children good meals, being behind on school work and not being my best at my job. I felt like a complete failure. I kept comparing myself to my mom who even though she had cerebral palsy she worked full time, always made dinner and kept the house completely clean. She took such great care of my siblings, and I and I weren’t even close to being as great as she was. Unfortunately, she passed away before I had my children so these were all things I couldn’t talk to her about and I didn’t feel comfortable discussing how low I was feeling with anyone else.

    One day after I put my kids to bed I went into my room closed the door and just cried. I just sat there behind the door bawling. I felt so useless and worthless. I was exhausted and broken. After a few minutes, my older son knocked on my door and asked to come in. I quickly cleaned up my face (wiped it off on my shirt) and tried to pull myself back together. He said he thought I was having a hard time going to sleep and that maybe he needed to come in my bed so I wouldn’t be alone and that it would help me sleep. Well, the little guy caught wind of this and thought that I might need him too. At that moment I realized that I am doing something right. These boys are empathetic and kind. I spend so much time thinking about what I’m doing wrong that I hardly ever took the time to see what I was doing right.

     

    Well, I needed to do something about this, I couldn’t stay in the emotional state I was in any longer. I just didn’t know what to do or where to start, and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself all over again. So that’s when I thought I just need to aim for change, not perfection. This entire time I’ve been trying to be perfect. No one is perfect, and with a goal like that I was setting myself up to fail. So I decided that I was just going to aim for change.

    For me aiming for change is about changing what is making me miserable one baby step at a time. I’m learning how to manage my time my efficiently and how to not beat myself up for everything I didn’t do. The first step was making sure I go to bed with happy thoughts. So I challenged myself to find at least one positive thing about my day while I lay there with my eyes closed. There are days that the only positive thought I have is that my boys are so handsome or that I didn’t have to fight with the little guy about sitting in his car seat, but there are also days that there are so many positive things that happened that it feels like an endless list of awesome! Doing this helped put me back into the right mindset.

    Now comes the actually making change part. I’m trying to organize my life thoroughly so that I don’t get to the point of being overwhelmed anymore. This is my journey on finding what works for my family and what doesn’t.

    By

  • Yup, I Fell Right Off That Wagon

    So let me update you all on my life since my absence.

    I was off to a great start getting everything together to help make things run smoother and more efficiently at home. Then I got a phone call that threw my world into a whirlwind. My sister who has lived out of state since 2006 stated that she wanted to move back home.  I was excited because my nephew E and my older son J are the same age and would finally be able to be close. She also informed me that she had rescued a poodle mix and that Penny would be coming with them. So from late September until right before Thanksgiving, I was trying to help her find an apartment and coordinate the move with her. She incredibly enough was able to find a job and an apartment before her official move here back in October when she came in to visit for my birthday.

    They finally arrived the day after Thanksgiving and needless to say we are all still adjusting. I was so excited to have the boys together finally and had such high hopes that they would become close fast. Things were hectic at first as my sister enrolled E in school and daycare and got her apartment set up but, they did not spiral out of control until she began working the first week of December.  She enrolled E in the daycare center I work at so that I could pick him up for her because of her late work hours but ended up having to put him in a different school because the one J goes to was full.

    Well, E is struggling, this has been a massive change for him, and it is taking it is a toll on my family as well.  I am also struggling with trying to help ease him into his new life as well as keep my household under control. There have been many trying times while we work through how to handle this situation the best we can. J has been struggling as well because he does not understand why E is acting out and having such difficulty. It had gotten to the point where the school had called and asked if anything was going on at home because J was not his typical happy go lucky self. Then J said to me one day “I think E hates me.” and my heart just broke. I have been trying to explain that he is struggling with all the changes in his life right now and that is why is acting out.

    On top of that huge change, J’s taekwondo schedule changed in January when he graduated to a green stripe belt. There are two late classes and two early classes now. Thankfully I have help getting him into the early classes, so that does not disrupt things too much. However, because of the timing of the late class, I have to go straight home from work where we have about 20 minutes to let the dog out and get changed and then back in the car to head to class. We do not end up being able to eat dinner until 8:00 pm those nights and I usually don’t get much accomplished around the house.

    Lastly, I had some significant essays due for school that I was struggling with. I at one point felt so defeated that I wanted to give up. I kept at it though and used the time I had available to focus the rest of my energy on my school work. I got so behind on the housework that my weekends we consumed by trying to tackle some of the overflowing laundry and dishes. I have never let my house look the way it has been looking lately but now that we are starting to find a rhythm I am hopeful that I will be able to get back to a somewhat healthy life and routine.

     

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  • Trying Out Meal Planning

    I started this week off hopeful that I would do something, anything that worked to help my life seem less stressful and also bring some healthy changes too. I decided to try meal planning. I was curious to see how time-consuming it was and if it was effective.

    So on Sunday morning I sat in bed with my coffee, coupons and grocery store ad and made a list. I thought about the week ahead and the meals I was going to need to make. Since I pack my older son’s lunch, I started there and wrote down what I needed and looked for sales and coupons. Then while looking through the ad, I planned out all of our dinners for the week. Breakfast was never a problem area for me I’m always stocked in that department. I also checked all of our other household supplies (toilet paper, dish soap, etc.) and added those items to the list. Meanwhile, the little guy (my younger son) sat next to me with his ad, expired coupons and a pen and paper happily making his lists. When I went shopping, I actually followed the list which is big for me because I either forget the list an/or the coupons every time I go! Making a list turned out to be pretty time consuming (it took me nearly an hour) but some of that time I was distracted by the little guy so really wasn’t so bad. The trip to the grocery store took the same amount of time it usually does, but I wasn’t expecting a change here because the boys help me when we go. We make the trips fun and spending quality time together is worth all the time it takes.

    Monday we went out to the country to visit family, so I didn’t plan anything for the day. It was a nice “day off” and incredibly recharging for me. I actually remembered to pack my older son’s lunch that night too. I’m pretty thankful I did that because the rest of the night did not go as planned at all (all about that here).    Tuesday’s the boy’s dad makes dinner before taekwondo because there’s no time after class to make and eat dinner plus do homework. I remembered to pack the big guy’s lunch again so I went to bed feeling pretty good when I went to bed that night.

    For Wednesday I planned to make a whole chicken ( as well as real mashed potatoes and corn on the cob) since it was on sale and I didn’t have to take the big guy to taekwondo. I did not think that much about the fact that it was going to take two hours to cook! But I was determined to follow the meal plan I put in place I made the chicken. Since I knew it was going to take two hours for the chicken to cook, I decided to change up the order in which I typically do things. The boys had their bath and did their chores (put their clothes away) and were even able to squeeze in a little video game time before dinner. After dinner, they brushed their teeth had their story and went to bed. So even though the dinner took a long time to prepare and cook the night was incredibly productive and went smoothly.

    I was looking the most forward to Thursday’s dinner though. I planned on using the leftover chicken

    I am so proud of myself for making this!

    from the night before and make chicken noodle soup. I pulled out a soup pot, cut up some carrots, celery, and onion, cooked them in some chicken broth for a little bit ( I had my nephew stirring and watching) while I deboned the chicken. Once I was ready to add the chicken I added more chicken broth, water and the chicken and let that simmer for a little while. I also cooked egg noodles in a separate pan of chicken broth and added them to each bowl so they wouldn’t get too soggy but still had the chicken flavor. It was so easy!! It took hardly any time to prepare and cook and the kids ate it! The big guy picked out the vegetables, but he still ate it, typically he’d just refuse even to try it.

     

    On Friday I decided to go simple and make spaghetti and meatballs. It’s easy, and I never have to wonder if my kids will eat it. I also really enjoy making my own meatballs and find it relaxing, so that alone is a plus. I decided since the school week went so well I’d let the boys pick what to make for dinner on Saturday, and they both agreed on pigs in a blanket. I realize they are not a healthy option, but since they both agreed (for once), I figured I’d just go with it. I did make them pick out one healthy item to serve with it each to help balance it out. My older son picked apple slices and my younger son picked green beans.

    Meal planning has helped make this week go much smoother than usual. It was nice to come home and already have a plan for dinner and stick to it. I was also able to get other things done that I needed d to do because I wasn’t looking around the kitchen for dinner ideas. I’m hoping to stick with this because let’s be honest that is the hardest part for me.

    By

  • The Night Before The First Day Of School

    So it’s 9:00 pm and it’s the night before the first day of school. I’ve finally labeled all of my son’s school supplies and have them bagged up and ready to go for the morning. I’ve set out clothes for both children as well as packed my older son’s lunch. The coffee pot is set to brew at 6:00 am and everything is ready by the door for the morning. Both boys are in bed and actually asleep! I have done everything I needed to do in order to have the morning go as smooth as possible.

    Then a huge thunder and lightning storm rolls in and wakes up my younger son who then woke up his brother. Now it’s 9:30 pm and we’re all cuddled in my bed because my little guy is absolutely terrified of thunder. I’m trying to soothe the little guy as each boom of thunder rolls in and each flash of lightning lights up the entire room. Each time the thunder rumbles the little guy cries out and grabs me tighter. I have the window air conditioner unit on trying to help drown out the sound of the thunder but it’s not helping. The rain starts really coming down now and I’m laying there hoping I can get these two boys back to sleep too. I’m also starting to worry about their first days back to school, new classrooms, new teachers, new kids all of this new stuff is being thrown at them at one time.

    It’s now 10:00 pm when suddenly the thunder booms, a lightning bolt shoots through the sky hitting our electric pole making the loudest explosion noise. The air conditioner shuts off and it is all of a sudden pitch black in the room. The boys are now panicked and crying, I’m trying to get to the candle and lighter on my dresser and accidentally drop the f bomb out loud! As I light the candle a little voice says “You can’t say that word mommy.” and I can’t help but to giggle. The boys start to calm down now that the room has some light but now I have to go out and grab the flashlights and lanterns so that their dad can get through the house when he gets home. I light another candle (those scented candles really come in handy on nights like this!) and head out of the bedroom.  My brain still trying to figure out what is actually going on because it all happened so fast I wasn’t really thinking just reacting. I look at the boys and explain what just happened. I told them it would be alright but the electric company would have to fix it and I didn’t know when that would happen because of how bad the storm was.

    The boys follow me into the kitchen to see what I am doing. As I’m getting the flashlights from one of the cupboards my downstairs neighbor comes up to check on us to make sure we had flashlights and to see if we need anything. We check to make sure all the flashlights and lanterns have working batteries and replace the ones that needed them. Just as we’re finishing up the neighbor from the back house comes over to check on us. He saw the lightning strike the pole and the explosion that happened after. The boys decided they wanted their own flashlights so we went into their play room and grabbed one for each of them and their lantern. Supplies in hand we say good night to the neighbors and one of them leaves a flashlight at the bottom of the stairs for the boys dad.

    I get the kids and myself back into my bed and am just getting comfortable when their dad gets home. Needless to say they got back out of bed to tell him what happened. It’s now 11:00, I’m completely exhausted. These kids need to get to sleep they have their first day of school and I have to work at 7:00 am so they have got to be up 6:00 am at the latest.  I tell them they will have to finish this tomorrow because we need sleep and their dad and I put them back to bed. I also go to bed to try and get some sleep.

    As I’m laying there decompressing and listening to the rain I can’t help but think “there’s always something isn’t there?”. However I’ve been trying to remember the good parts of my day before I go to sleep so that I’ll always end the day on a good note. So I think about how I was already prepared in case something like this happened. I always have candles in my room, I keep a lantern and flashlights in the kitchen and always have spare batteries, the kids have their own flashlights and lantern and I had already set out clothes and packed my son’s lunch for the next day. It could have been worse.

    So as much as tonight didn’t go the way I planned it didn’t go as bad as it could have if I didn’t already have what I needed. Were the boys tired the next day? Yea, a little. That didn’t stop them from having a great first day of school though. We thankfully were not without power for long and it was back on before we woke up the next morning. The electric company have some amazing employees, they came out in the storm and repaired the wires!

    This was just one event of the day and it had many different accomplishments I was proud of. I was prepared in the event of a power outage, my boys learned something new about lightning and electricity and I didn’t get frustrated or flustered, I just rolled with the flow. I’m really proud of that! Trying to remember the positive in my life is really helping me stay positive throughout the day and during different situations I encounter.

    By

  • Back to School Blues

    It is is the last week before my older son goes back to school. All of his uniforms and after-school clothes are in the drawers and hanging in the closet ready to go, I’ve bought and labeled all of his school supplies, and we’ve begun our back to school nightly routine to prepare for the following week. We are ready to go. Except for the fact that I’m not really ready for him to go yet.

    I am fortunate enough to work at a daycare that also offers after school and summer camp for school-age children up to 12 years old. That means that even though I’ve had to work all summer, he has been able to be near me every day. I love our morning chats on the way into work and being able to pop in on my lunch break and eat with him if I chose to or even just come and get a hug. I’m very blessed to be able to have those options. He’s also fortunate because his days have been filled with a lot of fun and learning throughout the summer and he wasn’t cooped up in the house. He went swimming every day, had a field trip once a week and each week was filled with games that incorporated physical and cognitive skills. He has terrific camp counselors who accept him the way he is and help him to be the best person he can be.

    It’s so hard not to show him how sad it really makes me have him go back to school because I want him to be excited. Don’t get me wrong I am excited as well. I can’t wait to see all the new things he is learning and look forward to hearing about his day it’s just that I’m going to miss him. As silly as it is I also am looking forward to Open House and meeting his teacher as well as all of the little school musical performances and activities the school does to include the parents. We were also just recently informed that there is a new school principal and as much as I really liked the other one I look forward to the positive changes this new one will bring.

    So as we head into this last week of summer vacation I am just going to try to make sure I make the best of it. I will make sure to spend as much time enjoying the moments we have together and prepare ourselves for the oncoming school year.

     

     

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