Browsing Tag:

#change

  • Aiming For Change…. Not Perfection

    I was at a point in my life where I was utterly overwhelmed.  I struggled to complete any task and honestly on most days I just really didn’t want to get out of bed. The house was a mess no matter how much cleaning I did; the kids were acting out and completely ignoring me, I was stopping for fast food more often that I’d like to admit or serving them quick, easy meals because I just didn’t want to do anything! I was in this constant state of beating myself up over not being able to keep a clean house, not feeding my children good meals, being behind on school work and not being my best at my job. I felt like a complete failure. I kept comparing myself to my mom who even though she had cerebral palsy she worked full time, always made dinner and kept the house completely clean. She took such great care of my siblings, and I and I weren’t even close to being as great as she was. Unfortunately, she passed away before I had my children so these were all things I couldn’t talk to her about and I didn’t feel comfortable discussing how low I was feeling with anyone else.

    One day after I put my kids to bed I went into my room closed the door and just cried. I just sat there behind the door bawling. I felt so useless and worthless. I was exhausted and broken. After a few minutes, my older son knocked on my door and asked to come in. I quickly cleaned up my face (wiped it off on my shirt) and tried to pull myself back together. He said he thought I was having a hard time going to sleep and that maybe he needed to come in my bed so I wouldn’t be alone and that it would help me sleep. Well, the little guy caught wind of this and thought that I might need him too. At that moment I realized that I am doing something right. These boys are empathetic and kind. I spend so much time thinking about what I’m doing wrong that I hardly ever took the time to see what I was doing right.

     

    Well, I needed to do something about this, I couldn’t stay in the emotional state I was in any longer. I just didn’t know what to do or where to start, and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself all over again. So that’s when I thought I just need to aim for change, not perfection. This entire time I’ve been trying to be perfect. No one is perfect, and with a goal like that I was setting myself up to fail. So I decided that I was just going to aim for change.

    For me aiming for change is about changing what is making me miserable one baby step at a time. I’m learning how to manage my time my efficiently and how to not beat myself up for everything I didn’t do. The first step was making sure I go to bed with happy thoughts. So I challenged myself to find at least one positive thing about my day while I lay there with my eyes closed. There are days that the only positive thought I have is that my boys are so handsome or that I didn’t have to fight with the little guy about sitting in his car seat, but there are also days that there are so many positive things that happened that it feels like an endless list of awesome! Doing this helped put me back into the right mindset.

    Now comes the actually making change part. I’m trying to organize my life thoroughly so that I don’t get to the point of being overwhelmed anymore. This is my journey on finding what works for my family and what doesn’t.

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  • Yup, I Fell Right Off That Wagon

    So let me update you all on my life since my absence.

    I was off to a great start getting everything together to help make things run smoother and more efficiently at home. Then I got a phone call that threw my world into a whirlwind. My sister who has lived out of state since 2006 stated that she wanted to move back home.  I was excited because my nephew E and my older son J are the same age and would finally be able to be close. She also informed me that she had rescued a poodle mix and that Penny would be coming with them. So from late September until right before Thanksgiving, I was trying to help her find an apartment and coordinate the move with her. She incredibly enough was able to find a job and an apartment before her official move here back in October when she came in to visit for my birthday.

    They finally arrived the day after Thanksgiving and needless to say we are all still adjusting. I was so excited to have the boys together finally and had such high hopes that they would become close fast. Things were hectic at first as my sister enrolled E in school and daycare and got her apartment set up but, they did not spiral out of control until she began working the first week of December.  She enrolled E in the daycare center I work at so that I could pick him up for her because of her late work hours but ended up having to put him in a different school because the one J goes to was full.

    Well, E is struggling, this has been a massive change for him, and it is taking it is a toll on my family as well.  I am also struggling with trying to help ease him into his new life as well as keep my household under control. There have been many trying times while we work through how to handle this situation the best we can. J has been struggling as well because he does not understand why E is acting out and having such difficulty. It had gotten to the point where the school had called and asked if anything was going on at home because J was not his typical happy go lucky self. Then J said to me one day “I think E hates me.” and my heart just broke. I have been trying to explain that he is struggling with all the changes in his life right now and that is why is acting out.

    On top of that huge change, J’s taekwondo schedule changed in January when he graduated to a green stripe belt. There are two late classes and two early classes now. Thankfully I have help getting him into the early classes, so that does not disrupt things too much. However, because of the timing of the late class, I have to go straight home from work where we have about 20 minutes to let the dog out and get changed and then back in the car to head to class. We do not end up being able to eat dinner until 8:00 pm those nights and I usually don’t get much accomplished around the house.

    Lastly, I had some significant essays due for school that I was struggling with. I at one point felt so defeated that I wanted to give up. I kept at it though and used the time I had available to focus the rest of my energy on my school work. I got so behind on the housework that my weekends we consumed by trying to tackle some of the overflowing laundry and dishes. I have never let my house look the way it has been looking lately but now that we are starting to find a rhythm I am hopeful that I will be able to get back to a somewhat healthy life and routine.

     

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