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#parenting

  • I Am The Adult, You Are The Child

    Have you ever lost your cool than about midway through the madness regained your senses?

    Recently, this happened to me with my nephew. Up until then, I was really proud of the way I had been handling tough or frustrating situations. I had been learning new ways to talk to my children and how to appropriately handle conflicts without becoming overwhelmed or yelling at them.

    Let me give you the background information first.

    Every morning I tell the children what I am planning on making for supper that evening. I do this so that while I am cooking, I don’t have to hear complaints and can focus on what I need to do. Well, this particular day we were having quesadillas, yellow rice, and a salad.  I had informed the children their choices for fillings were ground beef and cheese or chicken and cheese. Each child chose what they wanted, and we wrote it down on a notepad for later.

    So after a long day at work and school followed immediately by taekwondo we were finally home. I get everything cooked and have the boys set the table and wash up for supper. I serve them, and we sit down.

    In my house, we have a few mealtime rules.

    1. You don’t have to eat what is in front of you, but you must sit with the family for at least 20 minutes.
    2. If you ask for more, take only what you can it.
    3. If I cook something you ask me to (or the way you ask me to), you have to eat at least three bites of it. It was made special for you; I am fully expecting you to eat it.
    4. If you do not eat most of your meal, you will not get a snack/dessert later

    So, here we all are sitting at the table eating.

    My nephew takes one bite of his chicken and cheese quesadilla, throws it on his plate and screams “That is DISGUSTING!! There is too much cheese in here!” I looked at him and said you told me you wanted a lot of chicken and a lot of cheese, that is how I made it.” He pushed his plate and began telling me I didn’t know how to cook, the food was awful, and so on. I explained that he asked me to make it that way, so he had to eat at least three bites.  He proceeds to scream in my face about how he hates it at my house, everyone and everything here is stupid and so on.

    That’s when I lost my cool.

    Right there at the table, I just began yelling right back at him. Now the two of us are going back and forth with each other. Meanwhile, my boys are just sitting there watching the exchange between the two of us. I can only imagine that they were horrified by both of our behavior at that moment. After a few minutes of this screaming match we were having I finally said to him:

    I am the ADULT. You are the Child.

    And that is when everything all of a sudden became clear again. I am the adult; he is the child. I need to behave like an adult, not like the child. Here I am, having a screaming match with a child, instead of following through with the consequences for misbehaving. I was so worried about keeping control that I actually lost control of the situation the second I let his actions get the best of me. Now that I had regained my senses I sent the other two boys to their bedroom to play, and I attempted to send E to the living room to serve his time out.

    I then went to calm myself and regain my own strength and composure.

    I went to the laundry room and literally talked it out with myself. I must have said “I am the adult, he is the child.” a hundred times. Each time I reminded myself of a different reason for his behavior. He had just moved here from another state, he left a lot of his belongings behind, all of his friends and people he knew and cared about where there, he hardly knew me at all except for phone calls and pictures. Once I was completely calm, I brought laundry out to the living room to fold and so that he and I could talk about our behavior.

    However, he was not ready to talk to me yet.

    So I sat there in silence in the living room while he muttered things under his breath and worked through his emotions. I folded the laundry, looking up from time to time to see if he was ready to talk to me. It took some time, but he finally was able to calm down. I watched as his body relaxed, even his face seemed to relax. He finally looked calm and ready to talk, so I asked him if he, in fact, was prepared to talk to me about what happened at the table. He said he was.

     I apologized.

    I apologized for my role in the argument and for not keeping cool. I explained that his behavior was unacceptable and that it was not going to be tolerated as well. I promised to work on controlling my temper when he screams at me, but he had to promise to work on handling his feeling better. I told him it was ok to feel angry, but it was not ok to lash out or throw tantrums. I then gave him so ideas on how to manage his emotions by listening to music or journaling how he is feeling. I then reminded him that his actions warranted a two-day suspension from his tablet and moved on to the other two boys who were still in their bedroom playing.

    I apologized again.

    This time to my two boys. I apologized to them for having to witness both of our behavior, especially mine because I am Mom and I should know how to act better than that. I also apologized for not setting a good example for them about how to handle conflicts. We then discussed better ways to deal with conflict. Once we were finished, I had them come out of their room.

    Then, we moved on.

    It’s ok to be angry or frustrated, but it’s not ok to stay that way. Life moves on and so must we. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

    By

  • Aiming For Change…. Not Perfection

    I was at a point in my life where I was utterly overwhelmed.  I struggled to complete any task and honestly on most days I just really didn’t want to get out of bed. The house was a mess no matter how much cleaning I did; the kids were acting out and completely ignoring me, I was stopping for fast food more often that I’d like to admit or serving them quick, easy meals because I just didn’t want to do anything! I was in this constant state of beating myself up over not being able to keep a clean house, not feeding my children good meals, being behind on school work and not being my best at my job. I felt like a complete failure. I kept comparing myself to my mom who even though she had cerebral palsy she worked full time, always made dinner and kept the house completely clean. She took such great care of my siblings, and I and I weren’t even close to being as great as she was. Unfortunately, she passed away before I had my children so these were all things I couldn’t talk to her about and I didn’t feel comfortable discussing how low I was feeling with anyone else.

    One day after I put my kids to bed I went into my room closed the door and just cried. I just sat there behind the door bawling. I felt so useless and worthless. I was exhausted and broken. After a few minutes, my older son knocked on my door and asked to come in. I quickly cleaned up my face (wiped it off on my shirt) and tried to pull myself back together. He said he thought I was having a hard time going to sleep and that maybe he needed to come in my bed so I wouldn’t be alone and that it would help me sleep. Well, the little guy caught wind of this and thought that I might need him too. At that moment I realized that I am doing something right. These boys are empathetic and kind. I spend so much time thinking about what I’m doing wrong that I hardly ever took the time to see what I was doing right.

     

    Well, I needed to do something about this, I couldn’t stay in the emotional state I was in any longer. I just didn’t know what to do or where to start, and I didn’t want to overwhelm myself all over again. So that’s when I thought I just need to aim for change, not perfection. This entire time I’ve been trying to be perfect. No one is perfect, and with a goal like that I was setting myself up to fail. So I decided that I was just going to aim for change.

    For me aiming for change is about changing what is making me miserable one baby step at a time. I’m learning how to manage my time my efficiently and how to not beat myself up for everything I didn’t do. The first step was making sure I go to bed with happy thoughts. So I challenged myself to find at least one positive thing about my day while I lay there with my eyes closed. There are days that the only positive thought I have is that my boys are so handsome or that I didn’t have to fight with the little guy about sitting in his car seat, but there are also days that there are so many positive things that happened that it feels like an endless list of awesome! Doing this helped put me back into the right mindset.

    Now comes the actually making change part. I’m trying to organize my life thoroughly so that I don’t get to the point of being overwhelmed anymore. This is my journey on finding what works for my family and what doesn’t.

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  • Yup, I Fell Right Off That Wagon

    So let me update you all on my life since my absence.

    I was off to a great start getting everything together to help make things run smoother and more efficiently at home. Then I got a phone call that threw my world into a whirlwind. My sister who has lived out of state since 2006 stated that she wanted to move back home.  I was excited because my nephew E and my older son J are the same age and would finally be able to be close. She also informed me that she had rescued a poodle mix and that Penny would be coming with them. So from late September until right before Thanksgiving, I was trying to help her find an apartment and coordinate the move with her. She incredibly enough was able to find a job and an apartment before her official move here back in October when she came in to visit for my birthday.

    They finally arrived the day after Thanksgiving and needless to say we are all still adjusting. I was so excited to have the boys together finally and had such high hopes that they would become close fast. Things were hectic at first as my sister enrolled E in school and daycare and got her apartment set up but, they did not spiral out of control until she began working the first week of December.  She enrolled E in the daycare center I work at so that I could pick him up for her because of her late work hours but ended up having to put him in a different school because the one J goes to was full.

    Well, E is struggling, this has been a massive change for him, and it is taking it is a toll on my family as well.  I am also struggling with trying to help ease him into his new life as well as keep my household under control. There have been many trying times while we work through how to handle this situation the best we can. J has been struggling as well because he does not understand why E is acting out and having such difficulty. It had gotten to the point where the school had called and asked if anything was going on at home because J was not his typical happy go lucky self. Then J said to me one day “I think E hates me.” and my heart just broke. I have been trying to explain that he is struggling with all the changes in his life right now and that is why is acting out.

    On top of that huge change, J’s taekwondo schedule changed in January when he graduated to a green stripe belt. There are two late classes and two early classes now. Thankfully I have help getting him into the early classes, so that does not disrupt things too much. However, because of the timing of the late class, I have to go straight home from work where we have about 20 minutes to let the dog out and get changed and then back in the car to head to class. We do not end up being able to eat dinner until 8:00 pm those nights and I usually don’t get much accomplished around the house.

    Lastly, I had some significant essays due for school that I was struggling with. I at one point felt so defeated that I wanted to give up. I kept at it though and used the time I had available to focus the rest of my energy on my school work. I got so behind on the housework that my weekends we consumed by trying to tackle some of the overflowing laundry and dishes. I have never let my house look the way it has been looking lately but now that we are starting to find a rhythm I am hopeful that I will be able to get back to a somewhat healthy life and routine.

     

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  • Trying Out Meal Planning

    I started this week off hopeful that I would do something, anything that worked to help my life seem less stressful and also bring some healthy changes too. I decided to try meal planning. I was curious to see how time-consuming it was and if it was effective.

    So on Sunday morning I sat in bed with my coffee, coupons and grocery store ad and made a list. I thought about the week ahead and the meals I was going to need to make. Since I pack my older son’s lunch, I started there and wrote down what I needed and looked for sales and coupons. Then while looking through the ad, I planned out all of our dinners for the week. Breakfast was never a problem area for me I’m always stocked in that department. I also checked all of our other household supplies (toilet paper, dish soap, etc.) and added those items to the list. Meanwhile, the little guy (my younger son) sat next to me with his ad, expired coupons and a pen and paper happily making his lists. When I went shopping, I actually followed the list which is big for me because I either forget the list an/or the coupons every time I go! Making a list turned out to be pretty time consuming (it took me nearly an hour) but some of that time I was distracted by the little guy so really wasn’t so bad. The trip to the grocery store took the same amount of time it usually does, but I wasn’t expecting a change here because the boys help me when we go. We make the trips fun and spending quality time together is worth all the time it takes.

    Monday we went out to the country to visit family, so I didn’t plan anything for the day. It was a nice “day off” and incredibly recharging for me. I actually remembered to pack my older son’s lunch that night too. I’m pretty thankful I did that because the rest of the night did not go as planned at all (all about that here).    Tuesday’s the boy’s dad makes dinner before taekwondo because there’s no time after class to make and eat dinner plus do homework. I remembered to pack the big guy’s lunch again so I went to bed feeling pretty good when I went to bed that night.

    For Wednesday I planned to make a whole chicken ( as well as real mashed potatoes and corn on the cob) since it was on sale and I didn’t have to take the big guy to taekwondo. I did not think that much about the fact that it was going to take two hours to cook! But I was determined to follow the meal plan I put in place I made the chicken. Since I knew it was going to take two hours for the chicken to cook, I decided to change up the order in which I typically do things. The boys had their bath and did their chores (put their clothes away) and were even able to squeeze in a little video game time before dinner. After dinner, they brushed their teeth had their story and went to bed. So even though the dinner took a long time to prepare and cook the night was incredibly productive and went smoothly.

    I was looking the most forward to Thursday’s dinner though. I planned on using the leftover chicken

    I am so proud of myself for making this!

    from the night before and make chicken noodle soup. I pulled out a soup pot, cut up some carrots, celery, and onion, cooked them in some chicken broth for a little bit ( I had my nephew stirring and watching) while I deboned the chicken. Once I was ready to add the chicken I added more chicken broth, water and the chicken and let that simmer for a little while. I also cooked egg noodles in a separate pan of chicken broth and added them to each bowl so they wouldn’t get too soggy but still had the chicken flavor. It was so easy!! It took hardly any time to prepare and cook and the kids ate it! The big guy picked out the vegetables, but he still ate it, typically he’d just refuse even to try it.

     

    On Friday I decided to go simple and make spaghetti and meatballs. It’s easy, and I never have to wonder if my kids will eat it. I also really enjoy making my own meatballs and find it relaxing, so that alone is a plus. I decided since the school week went so well I’d let the boys pick what to make for dinner on Saturday, and they both agreed on pigs in a blanket. I realize they are not a healthy option, but since they both agreed (for once), I figured I’d just go with it. I did make them pick out one healthy item to serve with it each to help balance it out. My older son picked apple slices and my younger son picked green beans.

    Meal planning has helped make this week go much smoother than usual. It was nice to come home and already have a plan for dinner and stick to it. I was also able to get other things done that I needed d to do because I wasn’t looking around the kitchen for dinner ideas. I’m hoping to stick with this because let’s be honest that is the hardest part for me.

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  • Nights Like This

    I love nights like tonight. It’s 68 degrees with a gentle breeze that is slightly cool. I have all of the windows open right now just enjoying the fresh air. Nights like tonight I miss having a front porch to go out and relax on. I feel like I used to do all of my best thinking from there.

    I used to bring my coffee out in the morning and just sit with my older son for hours when he was a baby. We also spent many nights out there too. My favorite thing was sitting on the porch swing with him wrapped up in my arms on rainy days. We would just listen to the sounds of the rain and enjoy the fresh clean air. We moved from that place when he was one year old. Now we live upstairs and there is no porch at all on this place, however we traded in the porch for an amazing back yard.

    Right now I am sitting next on the couch next to a window that looks into part of the back yard. The breeze is blowing, and I can just feel my body relaxing as I sip my decaf (not trying to be up all night) coffee. Looking out at our swing set I realize I might not have that front porch anymore but I have been able to make so many great memories on just that swing set alone! I remember the day my downstairs neighbor/adopted brother brought it home. He had gotten it for free from a friend’s neighbor as long as he took it down himself. Well he did and brought it home. The kids don’t know or care that it’s used or that we got it for free. They LOVE it!!! We really are so lucky to have it.

    This cool clean air really is great for cleansing my mind and soul. As I sit here alone I am really able to just be. Looking out the window at the swing set also reminds me that I am doing something right. I am giving my children great memories. Memories that don’t involve the TV or video game systems. It may feel like we are stuck inside a lot but the truth of the matter is we do spend a lot of time outside. We do get a lot of family time together doing something other than watching TV. I have watched both of my boys learn how to climb the ladder to get to the slide, I’ve watched them transition from the baby swing to the regular one. However the younger guy still likes his baby swing too. I’ve watched my boys play with their cousins and use their imaginations to play games for hours on that swing set. There has been so much time spent loving that old swing set and I hope we can continue to enjoy it for years to come.

    Nights like tonight remind me that I am doing my best as a parent. It helps me feel like I am not failing them. It also reminds me of how blessed I truly am. I could sit here for hours tonight while my children sleep and just be at peace. This is medicine for your soul.

    Morning view of our swing set from my window

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